I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
