Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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