I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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