Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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