She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
