You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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