Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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