if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
