god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
