from now on my penis is your penis
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
