I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
