Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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