Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
