Swine flu. Run for my life!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
