he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
