Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
