So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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