Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
