My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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