My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
In America we eat man semen.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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