i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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