A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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