I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
