I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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