i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
