My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
