if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
