It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
