Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
