so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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