Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
