the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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