omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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