a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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