if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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