I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
