i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There's always time for handjobs
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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