he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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