And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
