the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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