Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
