just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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