grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
