a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
