I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
