I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
