we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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