Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Sober January is a disaster.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
