i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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