I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
