life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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