so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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