she looked like the before picture.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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