I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
